Coming soon
As yet another public service, I will now reveal to the world what movie sequels it can expect to see in the next few months. The source for this information is my own native intuition, completely unburdened by such extraneous elements as research, studio information, facts or any connection with reality whatsoever.
American Beauty 2: Lester’s Revenge: In this installment Lester has second thoughts about his warm and fuzzy feelings toward life and decides he wants to go back to earth to beat the living heck out of his neighbor, Colonel Fitts. And, while he is at it, he also has a go at his cheating wife Carolyn and that slimy Buddy Kane. Then he goes looking for his daughter’s hot friend Angela. The authorities track him down with the help of Haley Joel Osment, who can see dead people.
The Seventh Sense: In this follow-up to last year’s sleeper hit, after young Cole (played by Haley Joel Osment) has helped the authorities track down Lester Burnham, he finds that he is haunted by visions of Al Gore and a Democratic U.S. Congress. Al thinks he is helping Cole to come to terms with not winning a Best Supporting Actor Oscar, but in a surprise twist ending, it is Cole who is actually helping Al come to terms with the fact that he is not actually the President of the United States.
Fight Club II: The Return of Tyler Durden: Our nameless narrator (played by Edward Norton) finds that he is becoming ever more obsessed with consumer products. This obsession leads to a preoccupation with plastics and then with petroleum products in general and finally with crude oil. In a surprise twist ending we finally learn the narrator’s name. It is George W. Bush, and his role model/nemesis Tyler Durden returns to reveal that he is actually Dick Cheney.
Blair Witch 3: The Terror of Blair House : There is something malevolent and eerie going on in Blair House. There is a complete air of unreality, where the normal rules of logic do not apply. Bunkered down in the house is one man who is ready to stand against all the forces of common sense and unleash his twisted view of things on an unsuspecting world. One hapless journalist after another records another bit of his twisted story before disappearing into the darkness.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Final Chapter: They thought that the nightmare had ended years ago. They thought that they had gotten rid of the maniac named George. But what they didn’t realize is that George had a son (also named George) and he is out for revenge for what they did to his father. None of them will sleep peacefully at night knowing that George and his electric chair are loose in the land. Not at least for four years.
-S.L., 7 December 2000
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