Ideas that have struck me…
The city of Los Angeles and TV addicts everywhere heaved a collective sigh of relief this past week
when a strike by the Writers Guild of America was averted. For me personally, however, it was a bitter
disappointment.
You see, in a previous life I actually once participated in the organizing of a union bargaining unit
at a weekly newspaper. I led a ragtag group of employees in endless negotiations with an evil, rich
employer. But that was all long ago. Now I am old and cynical, and I wouldn’t think twice about
crossing a picket line if I could make a quick buck in the process.
That’s why I was so disappointed when the writers ended up settling. I was counting on a long,
drawn-out strike, so that I could hire myself out as a scab and start selling the great plot ideas I
have been cooking up in my head for years for movies and television. Since it doesn’t look like that’s
going to happen anytime soon, I thought that I might as well share some of my plot outlines with my
loyal readers.
Movies
Genre: Teen slasher movie. Working title: I Don’t Care What You Did Last Summer.
Story: A maniac is killing female students at a suburban high school in a wide array of
imaginative and gory ways. The “twist” is that the nice, virginals girls are the ones that are being
hacked, and it is the school slut who evades the killer, does him in, and saves the day. Note:
See if Freddy Prinze Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt are available.
Genre: James Bond movie. Working title: You Only Die Once. Story: With
things quiet on the world front, 007 is assigned to settle a dispute in northern England between fox
hunters and animal rights activists. In the course of his mission, he beds one woman from each of the
opposing sides. Things get out of hand when the fox hunters bring in an unruly mob of French farmers
to attack the animal lovers, raising the stakes in the confrontation, as all the local McDonald’s are
threatened. Note: See if that Shannyn Sossamon from A
Knight’s Tale is available to play Bond’s “vixen.”
Genre: Star Trek movie. Working title: Where No Man Has Gone. Story: The
Enterprise is transported by a mysterious force to a sparsely populated region of a distant
quadrant, several lifetimes away from earth via warp drive. As months pass, things turn grim, and the
crew is forced to resort to cannibalism. Yes, that’s right, when their critical systems start breaking
down, they must dismantle the android Data and use his components as replacements in the
Enterprise’s computer system. But then the crew starts noticing strange things happening, like
the computer refusing to carry out orders as it says in mellifluous tones, “I’m sorry. I can’t do
that, Jean-Luc.” Note: Make sure that William Shatner doesn’t get a hold of my phone
number.
Genre: Romantic comedy. Working title: Honey, It’s Me. Story: A widower,
still coming to terms with the loss of his incredibly perfect wife finds that he is being stalked by a
strange woman. She tells him that she is actually his dead wife miraculously reincarnated in a
different body. But he is turned off because he liked her old body much better. They work through the
issues with hilarious but heartwarming results. Note: My dream cast for this one would include
Tom Selleck and Rosie O’Donnell.
Television
ER: In a possible pilot for a spin-off series, a new set of characters are introduced who work
for a collection agency. Their job is to try to collect from many of the indigent patients that the ER
was required by law to treat even though they had no means to pay. This concept provides for a way to
use many of the regulars and guest stars from ER in cross-over appearances and provides
poignancy as we watch these dedicated professionals go about their daily task with no thanks from
anyone.
Frasier:. His radio showed canceled and his brother’s psychiatry practice on the skids, Frasier
and his extended family decide to pull up stakes and move out of Seattle. They buy a neglected farm
with an old fixer-upper of a house in picturesque Skagit Valley, where they plan to grow tulips.
Hilarity ensues as Frasier and Niles try to adapt to the ways of farm living while their dad watches
on, his eyes constantly rolling.
Friends: In the big season-ender, Monica and Chandler’s wedding turns into a disaster when,
instead of saying “I do” Chandler breaks down and declares that he is gay and it is Joey whom he
really loves. The next season follows the new couple as they set up housekeeping in a Greenwich
Village love nest.
Note: My dream of a Hollywood career isn’t dead yet! The actors may yet go on strike! Time to
get some new audition photos taken…
-S.L., 10 May 2001
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