Scott's Movie Comments

The X-Files

The Seattle Times divided people who would see The X-Files movie into two categories: 1) die-hard fans of the TV series and 2) their friends who got dragged along. Just so you know where I fall, I have seen all of two (count ‘em, two) episodes of the TV show, which really surprises a lot of people who know me. But hey, life is too short to be addicted to more than one cult TV series at a time, and for any thinking person that simply would have to be Babylon 5. But back to this movie. It’s not all that difficult for newbies to catch up to the storyline because a) The X-Files has pretty much permeated the popular culture and b) its premise can be summed up in about 25 words, which is precisely what a stinking drunk Agent Mulder does in an expository scene where he bends the ear of a disinterested bartender. Basically, The X-Files is Chinatown, except that, instead of Jack Nicholson investigating political corruption in L.A., we get UFOs, aliens, and nefarious plots by FEMA. In the end The Grand Conspiracy here is a bit like the relationship between Mulder and Scully: you’re constantly teased that something is about to happen, but it never really does. The best part of the movie is the opening homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey, featuring cameos by Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith as cavemen. Okay, it wasn’t actually them, but I thought that would have been really funny if it was, and one of them did kind of look like Tommy Lee Jones. Anyway, the flick doesn’t even touch on the very darkest of all hidden government secrets, which is that years ago David Duchovny was cloned to create Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Note for trivia fans: The X-Files joins 1952’s Here Come the Nelsons (Ozzie and Harriet) and 1966’s Batman as a handful of movie tie-ins to hit TV series made while those series were still on the air. (Seen 7 September 1998)

X-Men

Now that scientists have finally cracked the human genome, I can’t wait for them to explain to us which chromosome has to get switched so that we have blue skin and can instantly alter our form to look like anyone or anything else. No, I’m not one of those spoilsports who have to point out the illogic of movies like X-Men. Heck, I even bought (and still have) the very first X-Men comic book, which came out a very long time ago. No, comic books have a logic all their own, in which it actually makes sense to put on a costume to fight against crime and evil geniuses and in which superheroes and super-villains always manage to find and become obsessed with one another. The problem with film adaptations has always been that things which look cool on the page, when drawn by a great artist like the late Jack Kirby, look really silly when duplicated by live actors. But technology has been slowly but surely chipping away at the difference between images from the rampant imagination and what looks cool on celluloid. Christopher Reeve’s Superman made us believe that a man could fly, and Michael Keaton’s Batman made us believe that fitted hard rubber could be comfortable to wear. This movie makes us believe a whole lot of things that shouldn’t make any sense. The flick is slow to start, opting for a lot of human interest, but that’s okay. Any flick that stars both Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen is going to be extremely watchable, no matter how much exposition we have to sit through. In the end, the action scenes (as well as attractive young heroes and villains in great physical form) are worth the wait. In his third directorial outing, Bryan Singer isn’t quite as inventive as he was in The Usual Suspects, but he is definitely provides a bigger payoff than in Apt Pupil. Fans of the comic (which I stopped reading before it hit is popularity peak) should be pleased. Two choice moments: a debate on the efficacy of wearing seatbelts is resolved abruptly, and Wolverine aptly establishes his identity to Cyclops’s satisfaction. Watch for legendary X-Men creator Stan Lee as a hot dog vendor. (Seen 14 July 2000)

X-Men: The Last Stand

Of course, everyone who was interested in this movie saw it a long time ago already. Just to refresh your memory, this is the one in which property values took a real hit in Jean Grey’s childhood neighborhood and the San Francisco Bay Area experienced one of its worst traffic days ever. Some critics have ragged on poor Brett Ratner (who is, after all, mainly known for the Rush Hour movies), comparing him unfavorably with Bryan Singer, who directed the first two X-Men movies. Frankly, I can’t tell much difference. If anything, I kind of liked this one better than the first two because, at least, it had a definite and memorable ending. (Note to those who saw this movie but who did not stay until the last bit of film had spooled out of the projector: ha!) By its nature, X-Men had to have a large cast, and each new sequel adds hordes of more actors. Even at the rate that they keep trying to kill characters off, the salaries must be getting really out of hand. Even the hot dog vendor from the first film is back, and it turns out he is the Grey family’s neighbor. (Okay, it’s Stan Lee in his obligatory cameo.) As usual the best things in the flick are Patrick Stewart (even though he has to say lots of inane things) and Ian McKellen (even though he has to wear a really dorky helmet). But one gets the feeling that even the filmmakers are forgetting which Patrick Stewart film franchise is which. Wasn’t the holodeck a Star Trek thing? Any serious review, however, has to grapple with the question: exactly what is this an allegory for? Do the mutants represent a racial minority? Or gays? At various times, those metaphors both work. But only one metaphor works consistently. The mutants and the non-mutants are, at the end of the day, tribes. And McKellen’s Magneto is an unmitigated fascist, inciting tribal hatred. Good job that he’s been forced into retirement (for now?). (Seen 28 June 2006)

X2: X-Men United (X-Men 2)

When the X-Men comic book came out a quarter-century ago, it was one of Marvel Comics’ secondary titles. But it later sprang to cult popularity, and it’s not hard to figure out why. Its very premise was guaranteed to appeal to an adolescent audience. Teenage mutants with amazing powers but who are hunted by fearful humans plays perfectly into youthful feelings of alienation, persecution, and being underestimated. As the saga of mutants in a New York state prep school gets transferred (a second time) to the screen, it is an entertainment that essentially comes off as Harry Potter meets Beverly Hills 90210—with Hugh Jackman (as Wolverine) in the Luke Perry role and James Marsden (as Cyclops) in the Jason Priestly role. As usual, the bad guys get the best parts. The great Ian McKellen dominates as the evil Magneto, who this time more or less gets to recreate Hannibal Lecter. He even gets to play it against the movies’ original Hannibal, Brian Cox as a dastardly renegade general. McKellen even overshadows Patrick Stewart but, in fairness, Stewart is not only immobile throughout but must also spend much of the movie in a trance. Moreover, Stewart’s presence can’t help but remind us of Star Trek, which is not a good thing when we get to the movie’s climactic scene, which seems lifted from a Star Trek movie. Keep an eye on Aaron Stanford (the precocious teen from Tadpole) as Pyro. (Seen 1 May 2003)

xXx

Another reason that the US government deficit is ballooning is the fact that CIA honchos have enough money in their budget to have an entire opera performed in the Prague opera hall for one man’s benefit, when all he really wants to do is mess with the mind of a single agent. But we’re not supposed to dwell on details like that, and the movie does its bit by keeping the pace fast enough that we don’t have too much time to think about anything. The idea of this spy action/adventure yarn from the Fast and the Furious guys is, as every review has long since mentioned, that it’s time for a different kind of secret agent. This conceit is made quite explicit in the opening sequence, in which a James Bond-like agent is hunted down by the bad guys as he tries to disappear into a rave club but sticks out like a sore thumb in his 007-esque tuxedo and thus doesn’t have a prayer. The new savvy, international spy guy needs to be different, says this movie, and that requires someone younger and more with it. You know, someone who shaves his head, does extreme sports, downloads pirated music from the Internet, and has tattoos all over his body. Otherwise, the film follows the Bond formula pretty darn closely. It’s mindless fun—with the emphasis on mindless. A lot of the attraction of James Bond for us guys was that we wanted to be James Bond. I’m not sure how many guys, even really young ones, want to be Vin Diesel. Still, his good-natured smirk reassures us that he isn’t taking any of this too seriously and that we shouldn’t either. What’s interesting is the fact that, when you get past all the posturing and neo-hip trappings, Diesel’s character is one more patriotic American giving his all in the war on terrorism. But he better watch out. When you define yourself as what replaces the old, you are only setting yourself up for being replaced yourself. (Seen 23 October 2002)